Chatting with Burnsy - USF Coach Jim Leavitt

This blog is dedicated to my buddy I-Ray who always assumes I don't have something cooking when it matters.

You know, it's been a while since I could call myself anything related to an actual “journalist.” Actually, I don't think I've ever been able to call myself that since 1) Even as the guy who ran the No. 1 college paper in the country I was incredibly biased to the point that I buried a potentially program-altering college basketball scandal and 2) I have always ignored the “rules” of sports media relations.

Do I care about either of those points? Absolutely not. Never have. That's what makes me such a wonderful blogger. Did I mention I was named Best Local Blogger by the Orlando Sentinel?

That's why I was so surprised when University of South Florida head coach Jim Leavitt agreed to sit down with me and conduct a hard-hitting and professional interview only days before his No. 5 Bulls faced off against my perennially disappointing UCF (Golden) Knights. But he did and here is the transcript of said interview, unedited... sadly...



(He is the greatest coach in the history of mankind.)

Burnsy: Coach Leavitt, I would like to thank you for giving me this time. I know this is a huge time for the USF Bulls and I can only imagine that you and your team are incredibly focused on continuing your unbeaten streak and this new era of USF football.

Leavitt: Suck balls, minion of the weak. You aren't fit to sniff my taint, let alone ask me about the greatness of USF football. Now ask your questions, fuckboy.

Burnsy: Fair enough. First and foremost, this is truly a great time in the short history of USF in Division 1-A football. However, do you think it's fair for your players and yourself to be calling this team the best in the state of Florida at this time?

Leavitt: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're acting like there are actually other teams in Florida. Who? The Gay... tors? See what I did? I took their reptilian name and inferred a homophobic slur. Who else? The semenholes? HAHAHAHAHA!!! I did it again! Man, I am the fucking shit. Wait, wait. How about the Hurri... FAGS! HAHAHAHAHA!!! Fuck all these other schools. You're all fucking clown shits to me. I can't walk five feet in this state without God coming down from Heaven and telling me that these other coaches – Bowden, Meyer, Shannon – couldn't carry my baby-making junk. I fuck bitches and they crap out winning babies. FUCK! I just fathered another baby god.

Burnsy: You told CBS Sports that there are only four schools in the state that matter because there are only four that can play for the national championship. That's technically correct. Then your fetus-eating defensive lineman George Selvie said that he doesn't even count the Hurricanes in the “Top Three” anymore. Don't you think you guys are being a bit presumptuous when you're really only riding a wave of being a media darling right now?

Leavitt: Media darling? Do you know how many dicks I had to suck to get my Bulls up to No. 5? Do you know? Take a wild fucking guess!

Burnsy: I don't know that I want to answer this question.

Leavitt: NONE! Because we are the greatest fucking team to ever walk this planet. Remember the Roman gladiators and the Spartan army and USC and any other winner? We're better. I once ran into God after a USF practice. You know what I did? I smacked him and fucked Mrs. God. Why? Because I'm Jim-fucking-Leavitt.



(Wow, three national champion coaches... oh wait.)

Burnsy: Do you honestly think that your team deserves to be No. 5?

Leavitt: I'm bored with your questions, so I will indulge you and answer yes and now ask why you would ask such a horrible and ignorant question.

Burnsy: Well, you looked weak against Elon College in your season opener, not securing a win until late in the third quarter and still giving up late and consequential garbage points to keep the final score within two touchdowns. Your kicker literally shit the bed and then rolled around in it as you defeated an obviously overrated and already faltering No. 17 Auburn by only three points in overtime. You had a convincing, yet incredibly shaky, win over a horrible North Carolina team. The Bulls played one of the ugliest games ever witnessed on TV against a horrible and absurdly overrated West Virginia team, only to barely win by a touchdown when the Mountaineers were without their Heisman QB and were obviously running plays scripted by a 12-year old blind girl. Finally, it took an amazingly biased call by Big East referees to seal your win over FAU. Even the ESPN analysts called this win controversial. In conclusion, you have one quality win this season and that's over a horrible North Carolina team.

Leavitt: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you over our undefeated record. Admit it, bitch. You're jealous that we passed your piss ant, better-than-USF-at-academics school in football. We did it all on our own, fucker.

Burnsy: Actually, I've admitted my jealousy in the past, however it stems from the door that UCF left wide open for USF when our assfucktard former AD Steve Sloan turned down an invitation to join Conference USA in its inaugural year. However, what your program has risen to since then is hardly the product of hard work and perseverance. You take players that aren't eligible to play at any other schools and you cheat them into USF because your school has no other standards than to let stupid athletes in to win football games.

Leavitt: What's your point? Oh, you think players should be able to “graduate.” Well, let me tell you something. My players graduate, baby. They graduate Leavitt's School of Hard Knocks. I teach my players how to get out of trouble with the law and then skip more classes than a drunken frat boy. Besides, what's a degree other than a piece of paper that says they're qualified to do something else in case their NFL career doesn't pan out?

Burnsy: Well, that's kind of my point.

Leavitt: I have a point. It's called my lighting thunder cock in your ass.

Burnsy: You're not being very mature, coach.

(At this point Leavitt removes his pants and sports a three-inch erection that has a picture of his own face painted on the head.)

Burnsy: Coach, please put your pants back on.

Leavitt: No, I want to show you something, media boy. Wanna see what the whole media is doing to me right now?

(Leavitt brandishes a knife and cuts two ribs out of his chest. He then bends over and begins felating himself.)

Leavitt: Oh yeah... (sucking noises)... Oh that's the shit... (Slurping)... This tastes so much better than Satan's cock... (swallowing)... Oh man, that's like milking a cow that shits out national championship teams.



Burnsy: OK, coach, I'm going to have to end this now. You've obviously lost your mind.

Leavitt: I have a prediction for this weekend, fucktwink. USF 378,268,523,765,823, UCF -47. We're going to own you like my great-grandfather's tobacco workers.

Burnsy: That's just wrong.

Leavitt: Looks like baby Leavitt is growing up again. I'm going to need some privacy. Be gone, you worthless piece of Knight filth!

(Burnsy's prediction for Saturday: USF 37, UCF 24 and lots of tears.)